I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
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can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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