wanna go halves on a baby?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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