ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
