The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
