just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
