it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
