i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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