yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
