how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
