some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
