matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
