I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Porn is love you can see.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
