last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
