i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
