1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We talked him into tasing himself.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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