What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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