as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
