Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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