My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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