I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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