its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
