I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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