Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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