First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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