I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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