Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
