Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
