got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
