Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
