yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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