Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
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