You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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