i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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