Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?