Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
