maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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