every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
