if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
