You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
