my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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