I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
