you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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