Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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