I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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