I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think my fart just growled at me.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
