I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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