I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
