come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
