when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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