Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
