I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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