my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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