I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
