Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
