I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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