Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
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I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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