OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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