I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
