Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
